I May Leave, but I Always Return.

It's so peaceful and calming.
Too few hours ago it was shaking with waves.

An imperfect view,
but I yet sea the light
fading into the distance.

This breeze has become more than a chill.

Screams from my Ohio coat,
too heavy to put on still.

Where to from here?

As the coast begins to close it's eyes,
I ready myself to brace the cold again.

Somewhere I rushed to be my whole life,
I hurry to get home to.

These washed-up shores hold nothing to the
mild pleasures of independence in the Midwest.

I wrap myself in my colors that few understand.
Place my heavy pen back in it's velvet pouch.

Close my journey that's barely used
--stained with waiting and hopefulness of blank pages ahead.

All packed up and ready to return to the future that is all mine.



No, it's not sad.

It is not lonely
(anymore).

Not one person's dream.

Just my simple,
beautiful,
reality.

There are some things you need to know...

...all of which I've already told you. This time I'm gonna let go.

I have to accept my life and where it is or I'll never be happy. This whole searching for where I belong is getting old. I belong where ever the wind takes me. I will always hold my sense of home in my heart so I'll never really be lonely. I know I've said it before but it's time to start doing the things I want to do and stop wondering when my life will start. I am a singer and a writer and that's what I'm gonna do. Maybe not every day of my life but I need to finally embrace it. This is where it truly starts.

No more waiting and wondering. I don't need to search for answers or rely on anyone else to tell me where I need to be. I am what I am, where ever I am. Maybe someday I'll be hit in the face by an opportunity that I really can't pass up but until then I'm going to make my own opportunities. No more excuses, no more fear. This passion inside of me has been clawing its way out for years and I'm not holding back anymore.

A life adjustment will not be easy but my life has not been "easy" for about 11 years. I've fought and dealt with what's hard and unbearable. I can, and have, overcome obstacles that are out of my control so there's no reason why I can't overcome my own self sabotage. Someday we all have to pick ourselves up and realize that there's no one to blame. Life happens every day and although we can't change other people or certain events in our lives, we only control ourselves.


We are none without our flaws.

We each have our own hour glass.
At some point you need to stop being lazy
And realize this life is yours to waste.
A visit into your former life can be comforting
But the fulfillment is only temporary.
No matter where you are,
Your inner demons will follow.
You can never get rid of them.
Befriend them and let them carry you into the future
Don't let them hold you back in the past.

The forest is thicker here--more room for things to hide.
But I will not stay lost.
As long as I'm trying,
I'll survive.

I want to be happy everyday.

Simple words for what seems like an impossible wish.
But still they are words to live by.

How can I let myself be happy?

Is it the right career?
The right home?
The right relationship?
Or the right me?

Maybe a combination of all but most importantly the latter.

I need to be me.

The me that I've always been AND the me that I CAN be.

I've always see it in the bigger picture.
It's the details I have yet to work out.

I no longer feel like it's the decisions I have to make.
I know I have choices and options.
Each scenario can lead to happiness.
While some may lead to a higher level of happiness,
I know that no matter what I can be just simply happy.

So why am I still afraid to make a move?

Truth is that I've been working on my dreams and goals my entire life.

Some years I make more progress than others.
Some years I stay still.
Some years I fall behind.
But I'm still living, still going.

Many options and different paths-- all lead to a "right now."

And right now,
I choose happiness.

Nothing Has Changed, but Everything Is Different.

We made it to the top of the mountain by taking different paths.
Crossing at times, mostly far from sight but never out of mind.
I've stumbled along the way, fallen down and veered off course.
Ran backwards, crawled, got lost and reached out for help.
I've looked around for you as fear choked my voice from carrying over the terrain.
Even if you heard my cries, how could you have found me from 2,162 miles away?

Wasted time in-between growing up and finding our own lives.
The details were blurry and fading as feelings were pushed aside but never erased.
Ironic how we got here, where ever "here" has found us.
But here we are with less distractions and lessons learned.
Still no map to comfort the journey and only a few necessities on hand.

We climbed the mountain on a faded and narrow path.
Slipped a few times and moved out of the way to catch my breath.
Together at the top with no way of knowing what the descend will bring.
But the view from up here is beautiful with possibilities.

(1/23/12 and 2/7/12)

So there was this break up...

Back to a Me, Without a You.

I should have hit you harder.
I should have hit you sooner.
I should have never let you in.

You forced your way through.

Thank you for having the strength to let me go.
My heart would have been stuck on you,
wasting away never to be loved the same.

You had the whole world convinced.

I wish it was my choice, it would have been easier on me.
But now I know it was what I needed,
I was just too afraid to accept the loss.

So thank you for breaking my heart.

I kept blinders on and believed all of your lies,
Made it easy for you
to take advantage of my open heart.

I always try too hard.

You had me fooled before it ever began.
Holding yourself high with pride and values
just a cloak over your selfish juvenile dark soul.

You don't know how to love.

The whole world is not actually a stage.
Someday your make up will rub off
and no one will be around to feed you a line.

You don't know how to live.

I am free now to love again.
Someday I'll find the love
you were never strong enough to have known.

For as much as I ever loved you, I hate you even more.

(from 12/16/11 and 1/16/12)

On the Way to Another List

Someday I'll be ready to let it all out, take it in, let it out.

Pour over the pages of the future with the tears of the past.

See it all for what it was and will never be and let it claim a home on the page and off my heart.

Someday I will move into myself and settle down to a place I can call home again.

My bucket is filling and soon I will have enough water to quench the seeds I have been saving all these years.


To Do List:
Read idiot proof books on gardening
Document everything
Watch carefully
Water often
Keep in the (sun) light.

(6/25/2011)

And so it's here...again...

...this wave of sadness that hits every few months. I wonder what it would be like to have him still around. (To have them both around). I wonder if I would have made the same mistakes. 

Would he be able to give me the answers I can't find in a dictionary, the man who knew something about everything? Would he fix all my broken toys? Mend my broken heart? Would he buy me, and 36 of my closest friends, the latest gadget or gizmo that is sure to be a crazy, sold-out-by-Christmas-but-forgotten-about-by-New-Years? Would he still draw out routes on maps in different color pens? Or would he have mastered using the google maps on the internet? (I'm not sure he ever had the pleasure of sending an e-mail on his own). Or dare I say, a G.P.S? He would have never gotten a G.P.S! 

Could he have ever really watched EVERY World War II documentary, or covered up his tears during a sappy "chick-flick"? When would he have stopped doing all the yard work himself? Would he have ever organized the mail or thrown ANYTHING away? How many Navy stories has he never told me? Do I actually remember any of them? Would we have ever gone on an adventure together? One more than driving across PA through the night and being lost just outside of campus at 4am, looking for the "entrance," having to stop to ask the first person we saw on the streets, who was dressed all in black with shiny metal things sticking out of his face and covered in tattoos. Would he really have disowned me for getting tattoos myself? Would I have gotten so many?

Would I have taken his advice? Could he truly talk to me without yelling and actually listen? Would he even understand me? What else would he have taught me? Would he have shared his love of words with me on the same level? Would I be reading to him now, like he did for me when I sat in the swivel kitchen chair with my feet not able to touch the ground as we took an adventure at sea on the Pequod? Would we whistle in harmony as we built something together? Would he have ever been able to tell one of his jokes without cracking up? Will I ever be able to tell a joke without cracking myself up?

Would I still have become more and more like him every day, the latter him that was all good and perfect? Would I still be me?

I know I have grown, on my own. In between the dry seasons I wilted away to almost nothing. But I have sprung back after the passing rains. But I would not be who I am without him. I am him and he will always be a part of me, but still I am lost at times. 

For as much as I am missing out, I do not need a care taker.

I just need my Daddy. 

(Happy Birthday).